Dear Diary,


For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although
I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team
30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of
a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!


Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was
so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole
new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other
useless stuff too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. It
wasn’t my fault I was a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me,
then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps.
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%
#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a
root canal or a vasectomy.

"Iell be back"-- the Terminator; well here is the start: Big Dog Project. Then comes "Sky Net."